*edit-- This was written nearly three years ago, in 2017, and many of my views have changed, but this article is a funny snapshot of where I was at the time. I no longer believe an orgasm is necessary to have good sex, but at the time I had been looking for an orgasm. Also, I now know you are in charge of your orgasms. You need to know how to make yourself come in order for someone else to make you come, if that's a goal you have. Please refer to "A GUIDE TO SEX FOR BEGINNERS, AND ALL OF US, HONESTLY" for my current views on good sex and bad sex.
“For some people, the possibility of bad sex is aversive enough that their lives are strongly marked by its avoidance; for others, it isn’t.” - Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick
I worry that our generation is having bad sex. And that is not to say generations before us have had it better, or future generations will all be orgasming until kingdom come (get it?). But I feel as though we are somehow doing it wrong. The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found that out of 1,931 adults aged 18 to 59, 91% of men said they orgasmed the last time they had sex, compared to 64% of women.
I am sexual. I have been sexual since I was a child. It’s in my blood, my bones, my being. I talk about sex, I ask people about sex; I want to know what people like in bed, who they’ve been with and what they’ve tried. It’s a thirst. And here I am, a bona fide faker.
Good sex is something I didn’t even really think about until my third partner. He was this British guy and we did it in the middle of the wilderness on a towel. I just remember he was really talented with his hands. I didn’t come, but I called it “good sex.” After him there was another British chap. We did it by a waterfall, in my car, on a tree stump, in a tent, even all over Australia. He ate me out so well. I didn’t come. I told everyone I was having the “best sex.” After him I had some okay partners, and then I met Mr. Republican. The sex was horrible. I convinced myself it was really good. Soooo hot. What it was, was “bang bang you’re my dirty little slut you want me to come in your pussy” sex over, end of story. No eating out, only porn star sex, every time. I somehow “liked” this. (Don’t get me wrong, this type of sex can be great, but not when it’s on repetition 4 times a day, and all the guy can offer). Some more partners. Then I moved to Paris. I had crazy sex with this french guy I met my fourth day here. It was different, passionate, even public… but not per se good.
Then I met, let’s call him, Jose. Jose is Salvadorian and freshly 19. He was the bus boy at my work, and a seductive, broad-shouldered, Spanish-speaking temptation of mine. I’m always curious about those that I probably shouldn’t have sex with. His cousin, Arturo, also wanted me. I wanted Jose. We met up at the beach one night and did it on a rose-colored blanket. He broke my Virgin Mary necklace while holding down my hands.
Let me tell you something. Let me whisper it in your ear as Jose whispered dirty Spanish in mine.
This nineteen year old kid,
Made me come,
What the fuck?
I finally had good sex. With a 19 year old. Too many partners in.
I feel as though bad sex has just become what we consider sex in general. We can no longer differentiate. Music, pop culture, movies, social media, have led to women becoming actual objects. Actual pussy. To men, and don’t even make me include “not all men,” pussy is pussy. Sex ends when they come. It’s somewhat all the same. To women, from a place that is so deep-rooted and sexist we aren’t even sure where it’s originating from, we think sex is over when the man comes. We feel awful when he doesn’t. Or we really want the man to come, because it means we are hot enough, we did it. We tell him
you don’t have to wear a condom
i’m so wet for you
you have the biggest dick
oh baby i’m so close
you’re the first person to make me come
I could write a fucking book on the lines I’ve used.
I have met women twenty partners in, asking me what and where their clit is.
I have friends twenty years old who have never looked at their pussy.
Sex is porn. Sex is what we see in movies. Sex, as it is now, is for men. And it’s bad.
And that should make you PISSED.
For the fuck of it, go check out youporn, some of the categories include:
Creampie definition: “a sticky creamy goo that a guy ejects from his penis after fucking”
Cumshots definition: “when cum is shot into a girl’s pussy mouth or anus”
DP definition: “double penetration”
FEMALE FRIENDLY so all other porn is NOT female friendly? Great.
Popular with women NEW they had to add a category for porn that would turn women on.
Alas, the progress we are making! C’est encroyable, non?
We must do better. The first step in ending bad sex is recognising you’re having it. Also the following refers to heterosexual bad sex because that is my frame of experience.
Here are some helpful questions that will help you determine if you are having bad sex:
1. Were you thinking about what you were gonna make for dinner? If yes, bad sex.
2. Did you feel like you needed to get an STD check after? If yes, use a fucking condom.
3. Did you fake it? If yes, the sex still could have been good, but it wasn’t the best.
4. After the event, was your partner sweating and shaking and on cloud 9 and were you kinda just thinking you need to pee and clean the cum off? (Also fun fact: “Come is the verb, cum the resulting substance.” - Sex Columnist Maureen O’Connor). If yes, bad sex.
5. Were you moaning like a porn star because you thought he would like it? If yes, try moaning when you mean it. I am a moaner, moaning turns me on. So I moan. But if the sex is bad, I am not wasting my beautiful moans on a bad fuck. Bad sex.
6. Were you just laying there? If yes, that’s okay sometimes it’s nice to do no work. (as long as it’s consensual).
7. Were you just waiting for it to be over and saying crazy dirty shit you know will make him come? If yes, bad sex, and I’ve been there too girl.
So, here are some things you can do to have better sex:
TOUCH YOURSELF. Get a mirror, look at your pussy. Touch your lips, your inner thighs, your clit. Rub it. Figure out what makes you come. If you don’t know, how will you explain to your partner what you like?
ENJOY ORAL WHEN YOU’RE GETTING IT. Don’t think about if there’s a hair down there or what he’s seeing or what he’s thinking. Just think, my pussy is being LICKED. Life is hard, you deserve it.
TELL HIM WHAT YOU LIKE. As Kelly Rowland taught us, A little more to the left, yeah right there. Tell him exactly how you want the tongue used. Don’t worry, he won’t get tired. Or not any more tired than you will sucking his penis.
USE A VIBRATOR USING SEX! Use it on your clit. You could use a cock ring or just a handheld one. The stimulation from your clit will cause a clitoral orgasm and also potentially a vaginal orgasm!
BEFORE SEX, TRY MASTURBATING WITH JUST YOUR HANDS. If you’re gonna see your partner soon, try withholding from masturbation or just not masturbating with toys. This will make you more sensitive and pleased by your partner, who may not be as strong as a rotating, vibrating, sparkly pink dildo.
Bad sex is for losers, don’t be a loser.