ALL THE THINGS I LEARNED IN 2018 ABOUT SEX, HEALTH & RELATIONSHIPS.
Well, it has taken me being bed ridden with strep throat to finally sit my ass down and write a long overdue blog. These last couple months went by in a second which is terrifying, and I had so many assignments and work obligations I couldn't find the time or space to write. But here I am, and thank you for being patient with me. 2018 went fast. My blog picked up, Pierre and I grew a lot as a couple, I stayed in Paris over the summer and Christmas breaks, I finished my first semester of senior year, and I began thinking of post-grad life.
Throughout the year I tried to consume less, drink more water, and be active with my body everyday.
I learned a lot about self love. This year was entirely spent in Paris, except for three weeks in California in August (and trips to the south of France, Morocco, Italy and London). However, those three weeks in California completely reminded me of who I am and who I want to be. When I was home I wrote a piece called "Falling in Love with Myself Again" and I really did. I had so many body and eating issues last year that are now nearly gone. I have come to enjoy food and my body and be thankful for my overall well being. But when it comes to sex, health and relationships, this is what I've learned:
1. As empowering as it is to have sex when you want to and with whom you want to, it's just as empowering to know when you just don't want to. I have talked to so many women this year about sex and just as often as a great conversation about sex, I hear women telling me they have phases when they do not feel like having sex. And there is a huge stigma around this 'not getting laid' in a long time situation. But sometimes for whatever reason, your body doesn't need or want sex, and fuck what everyone else is saying, give your body the rest and (self-love?) it deserves.
2. Sex is entirely about pleasure. You must be enjoying yourself, or you're not having good sex. And this doesn't mean you HAVE to have an orgasm, because due to years of miseducation and taboo around sex it is really fucking hard for some women to come, and sex can be good regardless. This is a sticky subject because more often then not men do come every time, and women of course deserve the same. But our bodies and our histories are different, and shaming women who can't come won't help them. Give your body time, and of course, pleasure. Pleasing your partner is the main way to enjoy sex, as long as it's a two way street.
3. Sometimes sex can hurt and you are allowed to stop it. Pierre and I began doggy style the other day and I knew he was so turned on but it hurt so bad I was kind of crying, and I just had to say "No babe, it hurts." And it was totally okay, nobody died. If you have sex a lot, your pussy can get sore or puffy or irritated. Give it some time to recuperate before shoving a dick in there.
4. The vaginal orgasm is a myth. Some women are convinced they are having one, and maybe they are, the research on the female body is highly lacking. But most modern day research, done by female sex researchers, have found that the clitoris is just the tip of the ice berg and it is actually connected to the "g spot." Arousal on or around the clitoris can lead to an orgasm in the vagina. We all need to talk more about what really makes us orgasm.
1. OLIVE OIL ON YOUR VAGINA. I think this is perhaps the best thing I learned in 2018. For awhile I was getting yeast infections like every month. They were caused from stress and sweating at work, and then having sex, and then living in Paris where I sometimes feel like I'm consistently hiding my womanhood so no one harasses me. Olive oil balances your pH and helps rebuild vaginal tissue from rough sex. Since I started using olive oil I haven't had one single yeast infection, and it's also great pre-sex or as a lube!! I just put a couple drops in my hand, rub my hands together and then rub it all over my pussy (not in the actual vagina).
2. It's important to respect your pussy. Don't cross your legs all the time. Wear COTTON panties, take your panties off when you come home, don't wash your vagina with soap!!! it just needs a rinse of water (and some olive oil) it is self-cleansing!
3. When you get sick, that is your bodies way of telling you to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. I do not get sick that often but when I do I force myself to drink water, stay in bed and sleep. This may mean skipping school or work, so try not skipping school or work when you're healthy, so when you really need it, you can miss. Also, sleep, water, chopping up raw garlic and swallowing it and some good essential oils can heal nearly anything, so try that before rushing to the doctor.
4. Mental Health - like most millennials I suffered from anxiety for a long time. I still do but it is so manageable now. Find things that work for you. For example, in the classroom I get really anxious so I always sit by the door or a window. I am a pretty busy person so I keep an agenda where everything is written down and color coded. When I get overwhelmed, I start therapy again. I keep natural calming recipes with me. The main thing I do is accept that when things go wrong, you can't change them, you have to accept and move on. Everything will eventually be okay.
5. Body health- Holy hell we are obsessed with bodies. And Instagram DOES NOT help. I see so many photos of "perfect" girls everyday I can't even keep up. For a long time I hated my body. I felt my legs jiggle every time I walked, if I had a pain au chocolate I would skip meals the rest of the day. I was vegan and gluten free but not for any purpose just because I thought it would make me skinny. I don't really know what changed all of this but going home to California and my trip to Italy really helped. I saw people of all different sizes and began to feel comfortable in my skin. In Paris, most girls are the same size and it's nearly impossible to be that size if you feed yourself regularly. Following some body positive insta accounts and the movies "Dumplin'" and "I Feel Pretty" also really helped. Also just remember that you can eat if you're hungry and you are allowed to take up space. Women are taught to be tiny and unbothersome, but your natural healthy size is okay, you are allowed to exist and eat whatever you want.
By the way, I really do eat whatever I want now. But I don't really crave "bad stuff," as you find you won't really when you're not dieting. I walk a lot and I do a 15 minute at home workout everyday that helps with my anxiety. But I feel I am fitter than I've ever been and I have no dietary restrictions. Only love and appreciation for the food I can eat. Oh, and I've been vegetarian since I was five!
6. Another thing I did was unfollow a lot of fashion/beauty/lifestyle bloggers. I feel bad about saying this because I have a lot of friends who do these kinds of accounts but I found they always left me feeling really mentally unhealthy. They always have new products and clothes and perfect looking skin and lives and I felt much better when I unfollowed them all. I also find myself wanting to buy things much less!
1. Relationships can be hard!!! They are not all cute couple-y photos and anniversaries. You would never have only one one friend and expect that one friend to be everything to you, but for some reason we expect our one partner to be able to fulfil all our relationship needs. It's not realistic. You have to give a little to get a little and finding that balance takes time.
2. Don't waste time being jealous. I feel I spent a lot of 2018 being jealous about dumb ass things and it led to so many fights that just left me feeling insecure. When you're jealous it is always about you and not the other person. You have to trust yourself that you are enough, and your partner knows that too.
3. Do not compare your relationship to another person's relationship. Ever. You do not know what is going on in their lives or what their relatioships are like behind closed doors. A lot of relationships I used to compare myself to broke up this last year, and it was really surprising to me. Making a relationship work is so specific to the individuals in it. Everyone goes at their own pace and does what works for them. Don't get caught up in what other people are doing and the labels they use or the speed they go at.
4. You have to trust each other. One of the stupidest things I did was look at Pierre's phone. I found nothing, of course, and he was extremely hurt that I would do that, I ruined a good day we were having for nothing.
5. Don't bail on all your friends. For a long time Pierre and I's lives were really separate and last April we began to be together all the time and I sacrificed a lot of friend time for him. I thought that was what I always wanted was to be with him all the time and some of my friend's got hurt along the way. Of course when you love someone, you want to be with them all the time because it feels so good, but personal development and your personal relationships are just as important. (And they give you time to miss each other!)
6. If you are frustrated don't drink before having a discussion. That doesn't help at all. Calmy write out your thoughts and then read the ones you think really matter to your partner. It is easy to get carried away and passionate and say things you don't mean, and you may regret it.
7. Actions speak louder than words. I once yelled at Pierre saying there was no love in our relationship because he can't say "I love you." He just looked at me and said "You are so stupid. How could you say that?" And he kind of began mumbling all the things he does for me, and he started tearing up. Words are nothing without the actions to back them up and I would rather have a partner who fixes my iPhone and takes care of me when I'm sick and buys me toilet paper and blows up all the balloons for my birthday party and helps me study for political philosophy and buys me groceries when I can't afford them and books us a trip to Rome then one who says "I love you" and does nothing.
Overall, it's been a good year.
In this next year I want to:
1. brush my hair
2. drink lots of water
3. consume less
4. write more
5. continue cooking
6. love myself and those around me
7. spend time in nature
8. continue having good sex
9. go with the flow
Attainable resolutions for a new, beautiful year.
Bisous babies x0x0