Story time: I’m gonna tell you about the day leading up to my first goddess spot orgasm, and of course, the experience of my orgasm because I love all my readers sooooo much. For those who have been around since I started Sex & Roses, this piece is very similar to the raw and raunchy way I used to write.
Okay so it was a Thursday like any other… except that of course in the evening I saw the GODDESS.
In the morning I had a French class, and I have a slight crush on my tutor (so fckn cheesy I know but what can I say - French guys do something to me) so that already had my pussy excited for the day. Personally I think arousal and foreplay happening throughout the day is taken for granted! Turn yourself on throughout the day, send your parter sexy texts, self-pleasure before you get together, all these fun tips get your body aroused and ready before your partner is even around! This can make sex feel even better when/if you do get around to the deed. Especially if you're a person with a vulva because the biological and anatomical arousal process for us takes a lot longer than for those with penises!
I had a lovely Facetime with one of my friends from university in Paris, and she kindly held space for me to cry and release… something I hadn’t been able to do in awhile. We talked about love and life and sex before ending the call with a plan to talk again next week. Girl time and feminine energy were just what I needed!
After that call I settled in to watch On The Basis of Sex, a film on Netflix about Ruth Bader Ginsburg and her first victorious case against sex discrimination. Which had me laughing, crying, and missing Ruth so much! Plus, her husband, Marty, was played by Armie Hammer who like, is so hot, I now have to rewatch Call Me By Your Name.
Somehow feminism and RBG taking down the patriarchy GOT ME HOT so I decided to take some sexy videos of myself. This is one of my favourite slutty pastimes!! It makes me so wet and puffed up, and since I don’t usually watch porn (personal choice— nothing against ethical feminist porn!), I make my own porn and watch myself. I get off thinking about how my boyfriend or other people would feel watching it. It’s fucking arousing for me and I’ve been doing it since I was like 12. Oops! Or, not oops, who cares!!
So I put on this outfit: little pink panties that have a butterfly on the front that I got in Paris, knee high white socks, platform white sneakers, a school girl skirt, and a little white blouse. Yesssss, I made a naughty school girl fantasy, what a product of this porn-soaked generation I am.
I made a video sensually stripping for five minutes, ultimately using a vibrator. This was super fun and arousing… I mean, I was dripping wet and my pussy was PUFFED up. (a good sign of a vulva’s full stage of arousal. wetness is only the first stage, and in addition a lot of women/vulva-owners are non-concordant meaning they may be aroused and not wet, or wet and not aroused, so LISTEN TO YOUR WOMAN / vulva-owner).
After my little soft porn session, I went and finished the RBG movie which was magnificent and I highly recommend! RBG does a little cameo at the end which made my heart burst into pieces.
Pierre (who is my partner, I give him a different name on here, my OG readers know this!) came home and I was in a bad mood all of a sudden. COVID times, eh? He tried to make me feel better and we started Rocky Horror Picture Show which got the theatre girl in me super happy and in a better mood. Fun fact — I was in Rocky Horror Picture Show my freshman year of uni in San Francisco! Are you even an actor if you haven’t been in Rocky Horror? Jk jk ;)
For dinner one of our housemates made us vegan burrito bowls and we started listening to hip hop from the 2000’s.. Think Usher / Akon / Kanye…. and also some Gwen Stefani and Britney! I was able to twerk a little bit and let loose and just dance which I LOVE doing. Dancing and vegan food altered my state of being to energised andddddd horny!
After dinner Pierre was sooooo sleepy and I asked him, “Can I strip for you?” He replied, “I’m so tired babe I have nothing to give.” I said, “That’s okay! We can role play it that you’re a man who’s really tired and you just hit the strip club after work to relax and watch.”
We got into our room and I put on “Love in This Club” by you better know who! and dressed up in the outfit I wore earlier and re-enacted my little routine for him.
Another benefit of adding some kind of sexy dance/ strip routine to your solo self-pleasure sessions, is that you can then perform them for your partner without feeling so awkward! Also, stripping/performing/dressing up for your partner is one of the ways to play with polarity in your partnership, which is an integral aspect of tantric sex. As Shashi Solluna writes in her book Tantra: Made Easy:
“There are unlimited ways for Shiva and Shakti to dance and play, but below are a list of examples. It says Shiva and Shakti (Shiva and Shakti are the divine forms of the masculine and feminine), which is irrespective of the actual gender of the person playing. - Shakti dances and Shiva watches. - Shiva guides and Shakti follows (for example in traditional ballroom dancing). - Shakti expresses emotions and feelings and Shiva holds space with deep presence. - Shakti massages whilst Shiva receives and witnesses the experience in the body. - Shakti puts on beautiful radiant clothing and Shiva admires and observes.”
I love playing with polarity and now that I’m thinking about it I did 4/5 examples with my partner during the day! These activities help to bring balance into your relationship and also to build sexual energy. They are beautiful ways to balance the masculine and feminine in yourself and in your relationship, allowing you to dive deeper into your own, and a collective, sexual liberation-- which yes, helps with orgasm, if that's a goal of yours.
With Usher in the background, I began stripping for my sleepy man. By the end of it we were making out and he was grabbing my ass… He said he wanted to lick me and I let him. I had used a vibrator earlier so I already had a block in my head that I wouldn’t be able to orgasm from his mouth (when I use a vibrator it takes a day or two for the sensitivity to come back to its full effect). However, one of the things I’ve worked on this last year is to NOT let myself get in my head during sex. So even though my legs and pussy were hairy, I was bloated from dinner, and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to come, I let go of ALL OF THAT BULL SHIT and focused on the moment and how good it felt to have my pussy eaten by my lover.
He was licking me for awhile and I really felt I had reached a height of pleasure, not orgasm but pleasure, so I made some ecstatic sounds and Pierre looked at my pussy admiringly and put his finger inside. It felt amazing…. He then continued to lick my clitoris while really focusing on my g-spot. This is my FAVORITE thing in the world so I really let myself enjoy it. And then… all of a sudden… I started to feel an orgasm building inside of me. The build up was so quick and yet I instantly and without a doubt knew what was happening…And I said, “Oh fuck, that’s an internal orgasm.” And Pierre, as well trained as he is, knew that for my body that meant, keep doing the same exact thing you’re doing don’t change anything, and he kept going...
I don’t know how to describe the sensation other than that it did not come from my external clitoris, it absolutely stemmed from a little bit to the left of where the “g-spot” is thought to be. It was beautiful, a release, a new kind of orgasm, and a fucking magical experience. I finished, and Pierre finished and looked up at me with the biggest smile on his face. We cuddled a little and then had sex with me on top, and that was it!
I could not sleep last night. The orgasm awakened allllll my energy. Which they say is a difference between a "female orgasm" and a "male orgasm" — that cis men want to go to sleep and cis women feel alive after le petit mort/orgasm. I felt so alive…..
Earlier this year, I came clean to Pierre that I had never had an internal orgasm and that I wanted to feel no pressure to have one. I found my clitoral orgasms with him after three years being together and that was already a huge accomplishment. I wanted to find my vaginal orgasm for me. I was curious if it was there, if it was real, if I could do it in that way.
Since March I have been forming a relationship with my body of deeper trust and understanding. I have been honest about my pleasure and what I need. I have self-pleasured in more expansive ways. I have worked through my trauma and done a sexual healing on myself. And since March, I have also held over a hundred sessions with other women helping them to step deeper into their bodies, agency and pleasure.
And I believe it’s all connected. Your pleasure is your responsibility and you can’t wait for your knight (whatever the gender) in shining armour to make you come. You can’t ignore your body and then expect a partner to know what to do. You can’t feel shame in your sexuality and hope that someone will look past that shame and heal it for you. All this work starts with you. And if you want to begin that journey, reach out to me! Or another sexual therapist, healer or coach.
90% of the women I work with come to me because they can’t orgasm. 75% can not even feel pleasure. This is not a joke to me. I want women to feel pleasure in their bodies. I want to help heal their trauma. I want to awaken their inner sex goddess. And don’t think for one second that I don’t do the work I ask my clients to do. I’m doing the work, too.
Lastly, don’t compare your experiences to mine. Research is varied and also limited, but it shows that 2/3 of women can not come from penetration. It shows, unfortunately that some women can’t come at all. So don’t make orgasm your GOAL. Make pleasure your goal, always. Pleasure is already a win, a success, a beautiful gift. By prioritising my pleasure in sex, my orgasm came as a bonus. Also, I did not become regularly orgasmic until I went off the birth control pill. Research here is basically non-existent... But I think it is related, along with many other practices I began when I went off the pill, and over the last half a year.
Let this piece inspire you to self pleasure, and to be honest about what you need<3 if you want to dive deeper into your pleasure and see the goddess for yourself (she can appear with or without orgasm) email email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org
BOOKS THAT HELPED ME ON THIS PATH:
Vagina by Naomi Wolf
Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Becoming Orgasmic by Julia R. Heiman and Joseph Lopiccolo
Wild Feminine by Tami Lynn Kent